haothienhaothien
21-07-2008, 13:01
I’m not sure how to put this down on paper. I want to write something so if one day I forget this I can go back and remind me of what happened. And maybe if someday she asks me why I’m so weird, I can give her this instead of lying to her. Looking back, I still remember how we got to know each other. It was me. I saw a cute girl in the class and I wanted to know her. I was 12 or 13 at the time, and she was the fourth girl that I have ever laid eyes on. What I did was embarrassing but I got her attention out of it. This was what started the whole thing. I remember writing a note and hung it on her locker. The content of the note was written in capital letters so she didn’t know who wrote it. The note was an immature, arbitrarily accusation of her liking a friend of my, H. I remember the note got a lot of attentions. I think one or two days later, I reviewed to her that I was the one who wrote the note. She sat by H and I. I intentionally wrote a sentence aiming for Hector to see, but I wrote it explicitly so she can see it also. I wrote a sentence in capital letters. She was a smart girl. She was able to put one and two together instantly. At that time I continued to accuse her of liking H lol. The accusation was stupid and untruth. However, I caught her attention and she was talking to me and that was all I cared. She denied it through and through and I kept on the accusation through and through. I knew that if I stopped, she may stop talking to me. It was a way to keep us interacting however stupid it was. Several days later she wrote a note to me. (I cry as at this point.) Continue on, the note she gave me was her phone number. I acted like I didn’t care but I was happy. So the friendship started and we talked a lot. I remember my brother and mother said how I was all day on the phone with this girl. It was truth. I talked so much to her, just about anything. I just wanted to keep hearing her talking so I always kept the conversation going as far as I can. Now that I’m older looking back, what I did here will seal my fate as her “buddy.” (God, I hate crying. For a guy, it looks pathetic, but I can’t hold back as I’m writing this. Tears keep dropping down from my eyes.) Because I talked so much to her, I think it made her feel that I’m her friend and not anything else beyond that. Several months afterward, I wanted to hint her that I really liked her. I don’t know if she knew I liked her and that she was playing the ignore-game with me. Also, at this point she introduced to me two her friends through the phone. I forgot the name of the second friend. But the first one was C. My first impression of C was that she was an Americanized bitch. Eventually, I warmed up to C and talked to her a lot. The second friend was a nice girl. Anyways, I forget what I did to hint her. I’ll explain later on why I have lost so much memories of her. I don’t really recall how long after, but I started to feel discomforted talking to her. She kept hinting a word to me. She said she wanted to be something with me and the word started with letter “b.” I think she should have chosen a better word lol. So ugh, what words start with “b”??? Boyfriend? At that time I thought she was hinting this word. I was happy and comforted. Later on, she deliberately reviewed the “b” word to be “buddy” (or can even be “bestfriend.” ) At first, I didn’t believe her. I thought this was a cover up word so she won’t be embarrassed. I don’t know how long after, maybe months afterward, I had the feeling that she wanting to be my “buddy” forever was truth. To make her happy, I assured her that we would be “buddy” forever. You have no idea how much this torn me apart. The word “buddy” to me became a phobia. After that, whenever we were on the phone and she mentioned the word “buddy”, I just wanted to hang up the phone. I think I made excuses to hang up several times after she mentioned the word “buddy.” I was getting so sick of hearing it. How could I have blamed her? All she wanted to be was my bestfriend. It was good intention that poked holes in my heart. I don’t know exactly why but afterward, our friendship took a dive. We always seemed to be arguing about something and fighting over some stupid stuff. And plus she was very “danh da.” She was tomboyish. All of this together, I felt really disturbed inside. I think at that point I would rather be her enemy than her buddy. So I broke my promise with her. I promised her that we would be buddy forever, but it was getting too hurtful to keep it. The girl that you love says that she wants to be your best friend forever. How can I be her buddy when every time she mentioned the word buddy to me, I felt like someone is poking my heart with needles? One time I used an excuse to completely cut off our communication. She was being tomboyish and chased me to the school bus after I made fun of her. I was mad for like an hour, but it was nothing. However, I pretended to make a big deal out of it and stopped talking to her from that day on. God, imagine someone hooked electrical wires to your heart and shocks your heart every 5 seconds periodically. That was how I felt whenever she called me her buddy. Physical pain diminishes after several repetitions. But pain from the heart doesn’t diminish. Every succeeding shock causes as much pain as the last, if not more than the last. I was determined to forget her. I tried to wipe her out of my memory so the pains stop. Everytime when I thought of her, I turned my attention to something else. I forced myself not to recall any memories about her and the events related to her in the past. I told myself lies. Lies that I knew to be false but I kept telling myself those lies periodically. It helped me to forget her. You know how if you keep bull****ting yourself into believe something, even if you knew it’s false, but if you keep telling yourself it’s true, your heart end up believing the false for the true. Your mind knows that it’s false, but it doesn’t matter. The heart is causing the pain not the mind. This was how I managed to forget her. But in the process I lost a lot of memories about her. I kept forcing myself not to recollect anything about her, so after eight years I have forgotten much about her. I was still in contact with Cam at the time. And I thought Cam was a figure that reminded me of her. So I decided to end my friendship with Cam too. I was a pessimist before this whole event started. And after this event, I sunk even deeper into pessimism. After that I pretty much didn’t give a damn about falling in love with any other girls. All this was happening in when I was in the 8th grade.
So we ended going to the same high school. We had two classes together, English and Reading. I couldn’t bear to even look at her. I fooled my heart into believing that I hated her. I was extremely cold to her. She probably was confused why I was doing what I did and probably hurted too, but only if she knew that I was in much pain then she. She called me several times after, and one time I decided to take the pain and be a dick to her. I told her to stop ever calling me again. However, she did call me one or two times after, but I didn’t pick it up. After our freshman year, I noticed that she was no longer in the school. I thought she moved to creekview high school, a school several miles away. I was relieved that I won’t be seeing her again. Finally, I can bury away everything about her. During my sophomore year, I liked this new girl in my Latin class. Her name was S.L. She was cute and she hinted me many times that she liked me. I never responded to S.L. attention. I liked S.L. through my H.S. years, but never once befriended her. I kept the cold attitude with S.L. as I did to the last girl I tried to forget. At this time I thought I moved on, but why do I acted like this way to the new girls I like? During my junior year, I also liked this Viet girl. He name was D.N. She was every nice to me. She hinted from times to times to me that she has attention toward me, but once again I never responded to D.N. I gave her the cold attitude. And during my junior year, I thought I forgot much about the last girl. But one day she came and visited my house with a friend of her. I answered the door and, honestly, at the first 10 seconds I didn’t even recognize her. I was so effective in wiping her off my memory that I even managed to forget her face. Also, she went by a new American name. So I responded “Who are you?” She embarrassingly walked off to the sidewalk. At this instant, I recalled that it was her and closed the door. The girl that I wanted to forget three years ago came to my house to befriend me again, but I was a complete dick to her. I went to my room and laid down on my bed. I felt disturbed by my treatment to her. She didn’t do anything wrong in the past, nothing wrong at all. However, I managed to convince myself that it was for the better. I needed to move on, and she could just easily make new friends. If I had responded to her, all my memories of her would come back. Everything I worked to forget her in the last 2-3 years would be in vain. And I didn’t want to feel that shocks going through my heart again. I didn’t date anyone through my high school years, I don’t know if it has anything to do her and the past events.
So after graduating high school, I went off to college. I completely erased her from my memory at this point. On my third year of college, I had a recall of her while using facebook. And I was wondering what ever happened to her. I was her friend afterall. Even if we didn’t get to be couple, she was still a great friend. At this point, I thought I have moved on because thinking about her doesn’t seem to be painful at all. I thought that I no longer care about the boy-girl thing with her. So I started to recollect past memories of her. Sadly, I couldn’t remember much after years of repressing those memories. I didn’t find her on facebook. I think I googled her also but futile because there were just so many junks on google to pin-point find someone. I searched for her on facebook several times, months after months but no luck. I did such an excellent job at erasing her from my reality that I wiped all of the contacts I had with her. Then on February 22, 2008, she sent me a poke using facebook. Immediately, I sent her an apology note using facebook for what I did to her in the late middle school year to the first freshman year. This marked eight years after I dissolved our friendship. She responded positively to my apology. I admired her for remembering me still and still wished to be my friend after all that. Subsequently, we AIMed and text messaged. I wanted to make up for those eight years of being a dick to her. So I promised her eight dinners to make up to her. She also asked me if I have dated anyone. I told her I didn’t date anyone. I didn’t date anyone during my high school years because I was feeling wounded by what had happened. And I didn’t date anyone during college, because I have never met anyone of interest. I focused much of my time to study, work, and being alone. I got used to being alone. I was a loner since I was young and being alone helped me forget the past. She said she has a boyfriend. I didn’t really care about her love life or her boy friend. So I never asked anything related to it. The point why I searched for her was to make up to her, alleviating my guilt of being a dick to her for eight years. This time I’ll just be her casual friend, I thought to myself. Since that was what she wanted. She wanted me to be her buddy. So I took her out to the first dinner of reconciliation. We reminisced a lot about the past. She took me to a park and hurt herself while taking a walk. I realized how fragile she is. And it seemed that she still see me as her “buddy.” I tried to keep a distance with her because she has a boy friend after all. I didn’t want to get in the way of that at all. Lastnight, she sent me a message on facebook thanking for the dinner and she ended the message with one disturbed line. This one line made me recall of the things had happened during our late middle school years. After reading the message, I felt shocks going through my heart again. As if someone was stabbing my heart with needles. So after eight years and I still haven’t gotten over that? Now it was reawakened again? The line she ended with was she was glad to have her “buddy” back. At that time, I said to myself, I never wanted to your buddy. I rather be your enemy, the person you hate and despite the most in your life then to be your buddy. The pain I felt years ago just came back to me. When we first AIMed I told her that my favorite song is “Chuyện ba mùa mưa” by Bang Tam. The reason why I like the song is because of some good lines in the lyric. One of the lines is “tình là hoa nở, thắm tươi đó nhưng rồi phai.” I thought that my love for her can be summed into this one line. My love for her was during late year of middle school, now eight years have passed. No matter how much affection I had for her, it must have faded away after eight years of no meetings. Why do I still have heart aches when she said she want to be my buddy again? I did not move on at all…? In those eight years, were I just merely suppressed my feeling for her and was never gotten over it? I don’t understand why I couldn’t get over this petty matter. I occasionally remind myself that love is a petty matter. I responded sarcastically to her remark about wanting to my buddy by saying that I’d rather be her worst enemy than her buddy, because it hurts. She asked why it hurt, but I ignored her. She has a boyfriend now. What in the world would I try to accomplish by bringing up this issue with her? She found her happiness and I should accept that and be glad for her. Her birthday is coming up. I have a feeling that she will bug me into attending it. I’m going to make a lame excuse and not going to her birthday party. Since I have not moved on, seeing her with her boyfriend will be like falling into a pit of sharp needles pointing at my heart. Through I will get her a casual gift. I’m not even sure what excuse I’m going to make for not attending her birthday party. I just lick this old wound and continue forward. I refuse to cause her any more unhappiness. And I won’t leave her again this time.
I always try to justify why I like her. I have met girls who are prettier than her, more talented than her, but those girls couldn’t help me move away from her one bit. S.L., D.N., and M.A., all of them. What does she have that these girls don’t have? Why…? On our first dinner of reconciliation, she told me that she will hook me up with a girl friend. She told me that she is really good friend for doing that for me. I found the remark half funny and half hurtful. It was half funny because I chose not to date anyone not because I can’t find a date. And it was half hurtful because she treated me like her best friend.
Núi tình là hoa nở, thắm tươi đó nhưng rồi phai. Tại sao tình của tôi đói vế em trong tám năm qua, không hề gặp mặt, mà vẫn không hề phai?
I admit it. I still love her…
:ohnoes::ohnoes:
So we ended going to the same high school. We had two classes together, English and Reading. I couldn’t bear to even look at her. I fooled my heart into believing that I hated her. I was extremely cold to her. She probably was confused why I was doing what I did and probably hurted too, but only if she knew that I was in much pain then she. She called me several times after, and one time I decided to take the pain and be a dick to her. I told her to stop ever calling me again. However, she did call me one or two times after, but I didn’t pick it up. After our freshman year, I noticed that she was no longer in the school. I thought she moved to creekview high school, a school several miles away. I was relieved that I won’t be seeing her again. Finally, I can bury away everything about her. During my sophomore year, I liked this new girl in my Latin class. Her name was S.L. She was cute and she hinted me many times that she liked me. I never responded to S.L. attention. I liked S.L. through my H.S. years, but never once befriended her. I kept the cold attitude with S.L. as I did to the last girl I tried to forget. At this time I thought I moved on, but why do I acted like this way to the new girls I like? During my junior year, I also liked this Viet girl. He name was D.N. She was every nice to me. She hinted from times to times to me that she has attention toward me, but once again I never responded to D.N. I gave her the cold attitude. And during my junior year, I thought I forgot much about the last girl. But one day she came and visited my house with a friend of her. I answered the door and, honestly, at the first 10 seconds I didn’t even recognize her. I was so effective in wiping her off my memory that I even managed to forget her face. Also, she went by a new American name. So I responded “Who are you?” She embarrassingly walked off to the sidewalk. At this instant, I recalled that it was her and closed the door. The girl that I wanted to forget three years ago came to my house to befriend me again, but I was a complete dick to her. I went to my room and laid down on my bed. I felt disturbed by my treatment to her. She didn’t do anything wrong in the past, nothing wrong at all. However, I managed to convince myself that it was for the better. I needed to move on, and she could just easily make new friends. If I had responded to her, all my memories of her would come back. Everything I worked to forget her in the last 2-3 years would be in vain. And I didn’t want to feel that shocks going through my heart again. I didn’t date anyone through my high school years, I don’t know if it has anything to do her and the past events.
So after graduating high school, I went off to college. I completely erased her from my memory at this point. On my third year of college, I had a recall of her while using facebook. And I was wondering what ever happened to her. I was her friend afterall. Even if we didn’t get to be couple, she was still a great friend. At this point, I thought I have moved on because thinking about her doesn’t seem to be painful at all. I thought that I no longer care about the boy-girl thing with her. So I started to recollect past memories of her. Sadly, I couldn’t remember much after years of repressing those memories. I didn’t find her on facebook. I think I googled her also but futile because there were just so many junks on google to pin-point find someone. I searched for her on facebook several times, months after months but no luck. I did such an excellent job at erasing her from my reality that I wiped all of the contacts I had with her. Then on February 22, 2008, she sent me a poke using facebook. Immediately, I sent her an apology note using facebook for what I did to her in the late middle school year to the first freshman year. This marked eight years after I dissolved our friendship. She responded positively to my apology. I admired her for remembering me still and still wished to be my friend after all that. Subsequently, we AIMed and text messaged. I wanted to make up for those eight years of being a dick to her. So I promised her eight dinners to make up to her. She also asked me if I have dated anyone. I told her I didn’t date anyone. I didn’t date anyone during my high school years because I was feeling wounded by what had happened. And I didn’t date anyone during college, because I have never met anyone of interest. I focused much of my time to study, work, and being alone. I got used to being alone. I was a loner since I was young and being alone helped me forget the past. She said she has a boyfriend. I didn’t really care about her love life or her boy friend. So I never asked anything related to it. The point why I searched for her was to make up to her, alleviating my guilt of being a dick to her for eight years. This time I’ll just be her casual friend, I thought to myself. Since that was what she wanted. She wanted me to be her buddy. So I took her out to the first dinner of reconciliation. We reminisced a lot about the past. She took me to a park and hurt herself while taking a walk. I realized how fragile she is. And it seemed that she still see me as her “buddy.” I tried to keep a distance with her because she has a boy friend after all. I didn’t want to get in the way of that at all. Lastnight, she sent me a message on facebook thanking for the dinner and she ended the message with one disturbed line. This one line made me recall of the things had happened during our late middle school years. After reading the message, I felt shocks going through my heart again. As if someone was stabbing my heart with needles. So after eight years and I still haven’t gotten over that? Now it was reawakened again? The line she ended with was she was glad to have her “buddy” back. At that time, I said to myself, I never wanted to your buddy. I rather be your enemy, the person you hate and despite the most in your life then to be your buddy. The pain I felt years ago just came back to me. When we first AIMed I told her that my favorite song is “Chuyện ba mùa mưa” by Bang Tam. The reason why I like the song is because of some good lines in the lyric. One of the lines is “tình là hoa nở, thắm tươi đó nhưng rồi phai.” I thought that my love for her can be summed into this one line. My love for her was during late year of middle school, now eight years have passed. No matter how much affection I had for her, it must have faded away after eight years of no meetings. Why do I still have heart aches when she said she want to be my buddy again? I did not move on at all…? In those eight years, were I just merely suppressed my feeling for her and was never gotten over it? I don’t understand why I couldn’t get over this petty matter. I occasionally remind myself that love is a petty matter. I responded sarcastically to her remark about wanting to my buddy by saying that I’d rather be her worst enemy than her buddy, because it hurts. She asked why it hurt, but I ignored her. She has a boyfriend now. What in the world would I try to accomplish by bringing up this issue with her? She found her happiness and I should accept that and be glad for her. Her birthday is coming up. I have a feeling that she will bug me into attending it. I’m going to make a lame excuse and not going to her birthday party. Since I have not moved on, seeing her with her boyfriend will be like falling into a pit of sharp needles pointing at my heart. Through I will get her a casual gift. I’m not even sure what excuse I’m going to make for not attending her birthday party. I just lick this old wound and continue forward. I refuse to cause her any more unhappiness. And I won’t leave her again this time.
I always try to justify why I like her. I have met girls who are prettier than her, more talented than her, but those girls couldn’t help me move away from her one bit. S.L., D.N., and M.A., all of them. What does she have that these girls don’t have? Why…? On our first dinner of reconciliation, she told me that she will hook me up with a girl friend. She told me that she is really good friend for doing that for me. I found the remark half funny and half hurtful. It was half funny because I chose not to date anyone not because I can’t find a date. And it was half hurtful because she treated me like her best friend.
Núi tình là hoa nở, thắm tươi đó nhưng rồi phai. Tại sao tình của tôi đói vế em trong tám năm qua, không hề gặp mặt, mà vẫn không hề phai?
I admit it. I still love her…
:ohnoes::ohnoes: